1 The Drunk Mess
Who They Are: Who they are isn’t as important as what they do. And that would be: crying, laughing, vomiting, passing out in a bath tub, threatening you, threatening inanimate objects, making out with inanimate objects, trying to bring road kill to an animal shelter, evacuating their bladder everywhere but the toilet and then giving you a paltry “sorry about bein’ wasted” the next day that doesn’t…quite…cut it.
· Can Be Overheard Saying: “Yay! I’m gonna be sick!”
2 The Loving Drunk
Who They Are: The friend or new acquaintance that never lets you know how they feel about you…until alcohol makes its evening debut in their bloodstream.
· Can Be Overheard Saying: “I love you, man.” -and- “No, you don’t understand; I LOVE YOU MAN.” -or- “You’re the best, I love you… what’s your name again?”
3 The Raging Drunk
Who They Are: People who are still children inside that laugh too much, eat too much, screw around too much and smoke too much when they drink.
· Can Be Overheard Saying: “Screw You Screw YOU fire hydrant!”
4 The Horny Drunk
Who They Are: The person that decides that they want to do anything with anyone anywhere anyhow, right now.
· Can Be Overheard Saying: “Let’s do things!”
5 The Lonely Drunk
Who They Are: Usually someone who shows up to the party alone and tries to make friends by awkwardly bringing weird, personal conversational fodder into already thriving conversations about not weird, personal stuff.
· Can Be Overheard Saying: “Sometimes my cats and I put on puppet shows for my other cats.”
6 The Angry Drunk
Who They Are: Someone that is most likely a sarcastic jackwad in real life who turns into what their sarcasm is covering up in the first place.
· Can Be Overheard Saying: “Come at me, bro.”
7 The Sober Drunk
Who They Are: No matter how drunk this person gets you can barely tell, apart from a little extra rosiness in their cheeks.
· Can Be Overheard Saying: “Good evening officer. I must apologize for my friends, they’re just in a good mood and that is why their revelry has caused them to remove that manhole cover.”
8 The Drunk That Thinks They’re in a Confessional
Who They Are: Your drunk friend that admits a whole bunch of stuff to you that you wish you didn’t know.
· Can Be Overheard Saying: “I hate that chick but I want to marry her so bad.” Then he keys his marriage proposal into the side of her car.
9 The Drunk Who Promises Awesome Things
Who They Are: Some random dude who is so super friendly that he offers ridiculous things that he probably won’t remember offering 5 minutes after.
· Can Be Overheard Saying: “Dude, just tell Vladimir that ‘The Minion’ sent you and he’ll practically pay you to take that ATV off his hands.”